Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
The whole neighborhood knows you as the man with the heart of stone and the fists of steel, which is not the reputation you want as a concert pianist.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You'll admit that the errors MIT found in your coordinate system for a nine-dimensional plenum check out, but it still seems like they did it just to be dicks.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The jury will not be moved by your argument that the term "escaped tigers" implies the intent was with the tigers.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.
Leo July 23 - August 22
After the events of next Sunday, for the rest of your life, people will stop you on the street and ask you to autograph packages of pork chops.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will soon take an extremely long journey over water, which is odd given how little water there will be.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Investigators say the truth is found by following the money or the sex, which makes you immune to any possible suspicion.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You'll be getting phone calls for a year after your appearance on E!'s Wild On Scorpio.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Death will soon take a holiday and put you in charge of his dread offices for a week, but it will all go off without a hitch and barely be worthy of comment.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Jupiter ascendant in your sign this week indicates that contemporary fiction would be richer and more resonant if it were less self-indulgent.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
It's not always the person you least expect, because, if it were, it would always be you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Soon, people will be breaking down your door to get your secret to happiness, because your secret is 85 kilos of uncut Bolivian coke.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.