Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The whole neighborhood knows you as the man with the heart of stone and the fists of steel, which is not the reputation you want as a concert pianist.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll admit that the errors MIT found in your coordinate system for a nine-dimensional plenum check out, but it still seems like they did it just to be dicks.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The jury will not be moved by your argument that the term "escaped tigers" implies the intent was with the tigers.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
After the events of next Sunday, for the rest of your life, people will stop you on the street and ask you to autograph packages of pork chops.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will soon take an extremely long journey over water, which is odd given how little water there will be.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Investigators say the truth is found by following the money or the sex, which makes you immune to any possible suspicion.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll be getting phone calls for a year after your appearance on E!'s Wild On Scorpio.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Death will soon take a holiday and put you in charge of his dread offices for a week, but it will all go off without a hitch and barely be worthy of comment.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Jupiter ascendant in your sign this week indicates that contemporary fiction would be richer and more resonant if it were less self-indulgent.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
It's not always the person you least expect, because, if it were, it would always be you.
