Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Though you'd like to think of it as a triumph of the human spirit, it's really just the opening of a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop three blocks from your office.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Soon your 15 minutes of fame will be up, and people will only know you as "that freaky-looking guy who survived the barbed-wire-plant explosion."
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
This week will be noteworthy for your whirlwind tour of the American criminal justice system.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The stars would love to tell you your fortune for next week, but it lacks the tinge of verisimilitude that would make it believable.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will go down in snowboard history for accidentally inventing the "540 Goofy-Foot Christa MacAuliffe" while nailing siding on your mountain cabin.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Nothing can stop you this week as you accelerate to a considerable fraction of the speed of light.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Please stop telling your coworkers you've been "nailing" your new secretary. The polite term is "nailing love to."
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You can claim anything you want in your song, but, truth be told, by the time you get to Phoenix she'll have forgotten all about your hick ass.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Remember: That which does not kill you makes you strongerñeven if it paralyzes you from the neck down and necessitates the removal of your renal system.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You're eventually going to get tired of people comparing next Thursday to the Flying Wallenda Tragedy of 1963.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
After next week, you will no longer wonder where the phrase "I'll be dipped in shit" came from.
