Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Though you have always considered the difference psychological, you will be horrified to learn that men and women also have substantial physical distinctions.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The only thing you'll be able to think during the entire 90-second multi-vehicle crash is how much your father would have loved it.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will look as good in a hundred years as you do today, thanks to recent advances in the field of taxidermy.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Remember that trying to please everyone is impossible, except perhaps in the case of everyone just wanting you to stop singing showtunes at your desk.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
As far as you can tell, the difference between the great and the near-great is their shoes.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will learn an important lesson about sharing over the course of 22 minutes, plus commercials.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
While you have always considered yourself "lovable," this is true only in the narrowest, most clinical sense.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The technical term for what will happen to you next Tuesday is "trepanning," but that won't seem terribly interesting at the time.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A good friend will see fit to share her darkest secrets with you shortly after placing a small but tasteful bouquet on your headstone.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You've got just one big collar to make in your two days before retirement, so be careful: Sewing clown clothing can be extremely dangerous.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Don't worry about posterity. Just because history is written by the winners doesn't mean you won't get a footnote somewhere.
