Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Though you've always believed that "everybody loves a good Polack joke," you will discover an entire nation of people who do not.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will be shocked to find your wife in bed with your best friend, even though he's been dead for eight years.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You might think that a memorable handshake is the measure of a man, but it's easy to think that way when you have a hook for a hand.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You know in your heart that nothing's really wrong with you. However, your heart is just a muscle. You "know" things with your brain.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your belief that laughter is the best medicine will be altered forever when you discover penicillin.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your fatuousness will be revealed to the world when a large sandwich is your downfall on CBS's Contentment Island.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You might have tons of emotional problems, but loving too much isn't one of them.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your attempts to lighten the mood by organizing a little sing-along are not appreciated by anyone else in the smoke-filled cockpit.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Despite your belief that you are basically a decent person, you will find yourself saying, "It's not you, it's me."
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The Lutheran talking dog whose advice has helped you in the past will crack under pressure this week, taking you on a drunken, 10-day whoring binge.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Words can't describe the things that will happen to you this week. Fortunately, the mathematics of nuclear fusion can.
