Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Though you've always believed that "everybody loves a good Polack joke," you will discover an entire nation of people who do not.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will be shocked to find your wife in bed with your best friend, even though he's been dead for eight years.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You might think that a memorable handshake is the measure of a man, but it's easy to think that way when you have a hook for a hand.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You know in your heart that nothing's really wrong with you. However, your heart is just a muscle. You "know" things with your brain.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your belief that laughter is the best medicine will be altered forever when you discover penicillin.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your fatuousness will be revealed to the world when a large sandwich is your downfall on CBS's Contentment Island.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You might have tons of emotional problems, but loving too much isn't one of them.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your attempts to lighten the mood by organizing a little sing-along are not appreciated by anyone else in the smoke-filled cockpit.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Despite your belief that you are basically a decent person, you will find yourself saying, "It's not you, it's me."
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The Lutheran talking dog whose advice has helped you in the past will crack under pressure this week, taking you on a drunken, 10-day whoring binge.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Words can't describe the things that will happen to you this week. Fortunately, the mathematics of nuclear fusion can.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Pisces wanted to tell your future this week, but he had to get new tires and help Dave move, so there just wasn't time.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.