Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Awkwardness will prevail in your office this week as your co-workers try to pretend that the spontaneous Busby Berkeley number they walked in on never happened.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will learn the true meaning of the phrase, "Out of the frying pan and into the fire" during an incident involving an unusually large frying pan and a fire.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
In five to seven years, there will be increased demand for license-plate makers. Start job-training now by getting arrested for manslaughter.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You're not going to be able to talk about this week without using the word "brutal" a lot.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Relax: Everyone feels like a complete schmuck sometimes, though not for 28 straight years like you.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
A pop-cultural shift you are not equipped to understand will turn you into an object of high camp overnight.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Sharon may seem like a nice enough sort, but when she's named Secretary of Weights and Measures next week, you'll see her true colors.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Actually, there was nothing wrong with your design for tamper-resistant pants. You may, however, have overestimated demand for the product.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will become a modern Rip Van Winkle next week when you fall asleep under a tree and awake to a nightmarish world 11 hours into the future.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
No one believes for a second that an evil hypnotist compelled you to eat all the doughnuts. Which is frustrating, because it's actually true.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The judge is moved by the accordion player's deep love and refuses to grant a restraining order. Just put up with the music until he gets over you.
