Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Awkwardness will prevail in your office this week as your co-workers try to pretend that the spontaneous Busby Berkeley number they walked in on never happened.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will learn the true meaning of the phrase, "Out of the frying pan and into the fire" during an incident involving an unusually large frying pan and a fire.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
In five to seven years, there will be increased demand for license-plate makers. Start job-training now by getting arrested for manslaughter.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You're not going to be able to talk about this week without using the word "brutal" a lot.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Relax: Everyone feels like a complete schmuck sometimes, though not for 28 straight years like you.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
A pop-cultural shift you are not equipped to understand will turn you into an object of high camp overnight.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Sharon may seem like a nice enough sort, but when she's named Secretary of Weights and Measures next week, you'll see her true colors.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Actually, there was nothing wrong with your design for tamper-resistant pants. You may, however, have overestimated demand for the product.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will become a modern Rip Van Winkle next week when you fall asleep under a tree and awake to a nightmarish world 11 hours into the future.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
No one believes for a second that an evil hypnotist compelled you to eat all the doughnuts. Which is frustrating, because it's actually true.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The judge is moved by the accordion player's deep love and refuses to grant a restraining order. Just put up with the music until he gets over you.
