Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Awkwardness will prevail in your office this week as your co-workers try to pretend that the spontaneous Busby Berkeley number they walked in on never happened.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will learn the true meaning of the phrase, "Out of the frying pan and into the fire" during an incident involving an unusually large frying pan and a fire.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
In five to seven years, there will be increased demand for license-plate makers. Start job-training now by getting arrested for manslaughter.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You're not going to be able to talk about this week without using the word "brutal" a lot.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Relax: Everyone feels like a complete schmuck sometimes, though not for 28 straight years like you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A pop-cultural shift you are not equipped to understand will turn you into an object of high camp overnight.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Sharon may seem like a nice enough sort, but when she's named Secretary of Weights and Measures next week, you'll see her true colors.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Actually, there was nothing wrong with your design for tamper-resistant pants. You may, however, have overestimated demand for the product.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will become a modern Rip Van Winkle next week when you fall asleep under a tree and awake to a nightmarish world 11 hours into the future.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
No one believes for a second that an evil hypnotist compelled you to eat all the doughnuts. Which is frustrating, because it's actually true.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The judge is moved by the accordion player's deep love and refuses to grant a restraining order. Just put up with the music until he gets over you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
No change for Pisces this week, except in the intensity and frequency of the fits.
Article Tools
Past Horoscopes
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Aries The stars hate to be the bearer of bad news, which is why they've decided to wait for the telegram, the somber representative, and the lifetime supply of Jiffy Pop to arrive instead.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Taurus What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Gemini Advances in nanotechnology will soon make it possible for man to travel inside the human body. Until then, however, it's just you and your pinky finger.
April 15, 2008
Issue 44•16
Cancer It's not so much your drinking that will drive loved ones away, but your tendency to operate chainsaws, nail-guns and other industrial power tools while intoxicated.
April 8, 2008
Issue 44•15
Leo The stars foresee church bells in your future, though they'll have less to do with an upcoming wedding, and more to do with you being a hunchbacked monster.
April 1, 2008
Issue 44•14
Virgo People claim that age is nothing more than a state of mind, making this week's stroke revealing on a couple of different levels.
March 25, 2008
Issue 44•13
Libra You've always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half triple-fudge ice cream.
March 18, 2008
Issue 44•12
Scorpio While you've always worried about the voices inside your head, it's listening to those outside of it that will get you in trouble this week.
March 11, 2008
Issue 44•11
Sagittarius The "smoking monkey" gag is a comedy classic, but that was before he started trying to bum cigarettes from you.