Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You never thought you'd laugh at the old pie-in-the-face gag again, but that was before they could accelerate pie to the speed of light.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The residents of Tulsa will make you pay for every dollar of damage you've caused, but they're not heartless, so they'll let you keep the bison.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your visit to the country will inspire the coining of a new folk saying, "Some days you calm the beast, some days you free the cowboy."
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Running for mayor might not seem too realistic, but just wait until they get a load of your new suit.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
From Thursday forward, your name will be mentioned every time flaming corn dogs rain down from the sky.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
There are, in fact, good and evil twins, but a greater range of moral choices is available to you as a sextuplet.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Just so you know, it isn't still called "running away from home" when you're 31.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Things will be back to normal in a couple weeks, but your current tick infestation is just the beginning.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
This week's smorgasbord of nudity and bullfighting will erase all remaining doubts about your ability to be a network TV programmer.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The prosecuting attorney will be ruthless, relentless, and efficient in exposing your crimes, but at one point you'll be able to see right down her blouse.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
This week marks the four-year anniversary of your solemn oath to develop a lifestyle that is in no way influenced by Sandy Duncan.
