Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will invent a successful line of fuckable baking dough, sell it to a major corporation, and achieve fame and fortune as the Pillsbury Ho-Boy.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will enjoy success this hunting season, tracking and killing three beautiful deer. Unfortunately, what you call "deer" are known to most people as "nurses."
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will learn firsthand that it really is hard to say you're sorry, especially when your mouth is stuffed with an angry sailor's cock.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will be lauded by critics this week for your daring shot-for-shot remake of your high-school yearbook.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
A major life-change is in your future, but don't worry: Many quadruple amputees lead lives as rich and fulfilling as those of triple amputees.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Everything you do this week will inspire murderous rage in a different resident of Baltimore.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars indicate that your rabid Doctor Who fanhood may somehow be related to the infestation of your flesh by hundreds of thousands of thirsty ticks.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
In a hilarious twist of fate, Bob Hope will win a tidy sum from the Non-Celebrity Dead Pool when he correctly predicts the date of your untimely death.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Though nothing of interest will happen to you this week, that won't stop you from boring your friends with a detailed recounting of every meaningless second.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will set a world record this week for getting your head stuck between moving objects.
