Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will invent a successful line of fuckable baking dough, sell it to a major corporation, and achieve fame and fortune as the Pillsbury Ho-Boy.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will enjoy success this hunting season, tracking and killing three beautiful deer. Unfortunately, what you call "deer" are known to most people as "nurses."
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You will learn firsthand that it really is hard to say you're sorry, especially when your mouth is stuffed with an angry sailor's cock.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will be lauded by critics this week for your daring shot-for-shot remake of your high-school yearbook.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A major life-change is in your future, but don't worry: Many quadruple amputees lead lives as rich and fulfilling as those of triple amputees.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Everything you do this week will inspire murderous rage in a different resident of Baltimore.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
The stars indicate that your rabid Doctor Who fanhood may somehow be related to the infestation of your flesh by hundreds of thousands of thirsty ticks.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
In a hilarious twist of fate, Bob Hope will win a tidy sum from the Non-Celebrity Dead Pool when he correctly predicts the date of your untimely death.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Though nothing of interest will happen to you this week, that won't stop you from boring your friends with a detailed recounting of every meaningless second.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will set a world record this week for getting your head stuck between moving objects.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You are a healthy, attractive young person with an active social life and a good future in acting, but you harbor an unnatural lust for pudgy men with shaved heads. You might as well off yourself.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.