Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your first visit to a cockfight ends in disaster when you find out that the competition is actually between chickens.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will meet a charming, witty, considerate, handsome man and instantly fall deeply in love with him. Of course, this will destroy your relationship with your wife and three kids.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
All your dreams will come true this week, even the one in which you fall straight down for miles and miles.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will drown in 20 gallons of warm, soapy water this week when you forget to remove your clothes before washing them.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The largest hailstone on record fell in Coreyville, KS, on Sept. 3, 1970, and weighed 1.67 pounds, making it less than half the size of the one that will slam into your head in a few seconds.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The stars indicate that they are moving apart from each other at an astounding velocity, a phenomenon that portends the eventual heat-death of the universe. This will have little to no effect on your week.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Saturn in your sign means that you are still single because you are choosy about potential mates, but Jupiter and Venus know it’s because you’re so goddamn fat.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Remember: God never gives you more than you can handle, except in certain special cases like next Tuesday at 4 p.m.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your birthday’s this week? Take heart! Though it’s certainly true that you’re not as young as you used to be, the stars say you’re just about as old as you’ll ever be.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The next seven days will see you journey a little farther down that path of unsuccessful non-failure you’ve come to acknowledge as your life.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You think you’ve found a new use for malt powder, but people have actually been mixing it with ice cream and milk for years.
