Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
After accidentally stumbling upon the long-lost plans of diabolical mad scientist Dr. Henley, you will become obsessed with the idea of building the perfect beast.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You have failed in your life's goal, but don’t feel too bad: Of all the people who dream of working at a fast-food restaurant, only 98 percent actually make it.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will be faced with many important decisions this week. Before making any of them, ask yourself: "Is this the kind of thinking that got me thrown in solitary?"
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
A misinterpretation of the message printed on your sweatshirt will result in your becoming the property of the Hooters Athletic Department.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The kind of pressure you'll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your pathetic superhero career is born when a knock on the head from a radioactive evergreen tree gives you the proportional strength and speed of a Douglas fir.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You’ll come close to true happiness this week when you figure out a way to hitch yourself to a snack-laden mini-trailer.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Spirit magicks are strong in Scorpio this week. The stars ask that you not take this as an excuse to go around acting like some spaced-out New Age freak.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You’ll soon be in a situation in which you ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?" For the record, the people at Sagittarius want you to know that Jesus would try to take as many guards with him as possible.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Next Wednesday at noon, the world will ring with the glorious sound of all the Capricorns in America shattering their pelvises at once.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your natural resourcefulness allows you to enjoy father-daughter day at the zoo, though you are neither a father nor a daughter, and you can't stand animals.
