Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You’ll finally find yourself in a relationship that may not end with you asking the other person if they’d like a bag for that.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars indicate that you are not a fierce and wily lynx, as you have long believed. Savage them with your cruel claws and razor-sharp teeth.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You’ll suffer high-pressure steam burns, two broken fingers and massive psychic trauma when you attempt to restore America's faith in the democratic process.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will receive a poorly written, hastily scrawled letter from Loretta Lynn claiming that you are still not woman enough to take her man.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your grisly death beneath a pile of day-old cinnamon rolls will prove true one of Nostradamus' least likely prophecies.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will be forced to make a difficult decision when you discover that smoking the stuffing inside Beanie Babies gets you higher than hell.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your attempt to buck the trends and do your own thing fails when you realize that trend-following is pretty much the only thing you’re good at.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Fire and water magicks are both strong in Scorpio this week. Your immediate future will be filled with thick clouds of smoke, steam and damp ash.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your brave decision to try a new bar in your neighborhood leads you to finally understand the meaning of the mysterious phrase "chicks with sticks."
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Add a zesty Mexican touch to your boring Sunday dinners. Invite a Mexican to your house, render him unconscious, and slip him into the soup.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Though your birthday falls into the correct range of dates, the stars say you are not actually an Aquarius. In fact, they are pretty sure you're an asshole.
