Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Though you are a vindictive, cruel, petty, miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune in the next week. This is just how the universe works.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The stars have not been clear about the cause of next Monday's fracas, but one thing is certain: You will have to forfeit the deposit on that horse you rented.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Though you have no medical training, the newspapers will refer to you as "the eye-ear-nose-throat specialist" after the police search your basement next week.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
To your dismay and embarrassment, you will be forced to admit that you haven't heard the one about the Polish drycleaner and the one-legged midget.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Nothing much will happen this week, aside from your usual whirlwind of sexual excess, churchgoing and drug abuse.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Overwhelming consumer demand for a more ergonomically styled Virgo leads to your complete and extremely painful redesign this week.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will be disappointed to learn that your lucrative business selling your used panties to longshoremen is insufficient preparation for a career in the world of high finance.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will be found to consist of gray limestone with a rough shale covering. This comes as no surprise, however, as you are the Rock of Gibraltar.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your estimate that there are 65,292,100 goats in the world will turn out to be a little too close for some people’s comfort.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The outcome of your battle with leukemia will hinge upon whether you can obtain the essence of a certain '80s comedian for your Emotherapy.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will find yourself vindicated next Thursday when your lifelong fear of thumbs turns out to be justified after all.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Taxpayers and astronomers alike will openly question the merit of NASA's upcoming manned mission to you.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.