Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Though you are a vindictive, cruel, petty, miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune in the next week. This is just how the universe works.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars have not been clear about the cause of next Monday's fracas, but one thing is certain: You will have to forfeit the deposit on that horse you rented.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Though you have no medical training, the newspapers will refer to you as "the eye-ear-nose-throat specialist" after the police search your basement next week.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
To your dismay and embarrassment, you will be forced to admit that you haven't heard the one about the Polish drycleaner and the one-legged midget.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Nothing much will happen this week, aside from your usual whirlwind of sexual excess, churchgoing and drug abuse.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Overwhelming consumer demand for a more ergonomically styled Virgo leads to your complete and extremely painful redesign this week.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will be disappointed to learn that your lucrative business selling your used panties to longshoremen is insufficient preparation for a career in the world of high finance.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be found to consist of gray limestone with a rough shale covering. This comes as no surprise, however, as you are the Rock of Gibraltar.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your estimate that there are 65,292,100 goats in the world will turn out to be a little too close for some people’s comfort.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The outcome of your battle with leukemia will hinge upon whether you can obtain the essence of a certain '80s comedian for your Emotherapy.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will find yourself vindicated next Thursday when your lifelong fear of thumbs turns out to be justified after all.
