Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Due to your high refractive index and low visible-light-absorption capacity, you will soon replace titanium dioxide as the world’s predominant white pigment.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your skill at writing poetry mocking the headmaster of your preparatory academy will avail you well.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Though your impending death will be both humiliating and agonizingly painful, everyone involved will learn a little bit about themselves from the experience.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
It has been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would catch up with you.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will be inundated with hugs and sappy platitudes when the other signs of the Zodiac mistake you for Leo Buscaglia.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Remember: Second-degree burns cause deep blistering, while third-degree burns destroy an entire layer of skin. You will soon need to know the difference.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will be the picture of sweetness and light this week, with gentle words for all. However, you're still pretty sure they all know.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A simple misunderstanding involving you, a peanut butter and honey sandwich, and a chimpanzee leads to the precedent-setting Scorpio Monkey Trial.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will discover the secret of life this week. However, it is the secret of Warren G. Harding's life and is, therefore, useless.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Doom will be yours this week, unless you follow the stars' instructions to the letter. Due to space constraints, though, we must withhold those instructions until next week.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The stars have decided it would spoil the whole thing if they told you about next Thursday's falling bucket of hot lard.
