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Past Horoscopes

March 16, 2010

Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

March 9, 2010

Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.

March 2, 2010

Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.

February 16, 2010

Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

February 9, 2010

Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

February 2, 2010

Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.

January 26, 2010

Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.

January 19, 2010

Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

January 12, 2010

Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

See All Horoscopes

September 23, 1998 | Issue 34•08

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

An unfortunate typo in the instruction booklet for your new exercise machine results in your developing rock-hard Abs Of Veal.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Your belief in the omniscience of God will be shaken this week when you happen to see Him lose $78 in a street-corner game of three-card monte.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

You will learn a little bit about other cultures this week when Rabbit, a Native American trickster god, drops a 10-ton safe on your head.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

Your significant other will suggest that you both see other people. Put mace in the heater vents of his or her car.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Life imitates art this week when you are lucky enough to witness two guys walking into a bar.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

Though society has long known the reason for shipping charges, you will gain fame this week when you discover the rationale behind the "handling" charge.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

You will receive all the recognition you're ever likely to get when you’re awarded your own star on the Hollywood Walk Of Ineffectuality.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

You will have a hell of a time explaining to visiting relatives why you're being followed by the floating disembodied head of deceased entertainer Warren Oates.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

An abrupt lifestyle change will find you joining the skua, sheathbill and killer whale as the newest natural predator of the penguin.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Do not enter the courtyard in the center of the Pentagon. You are a demon, and the courtyard's five-sided configuration will trap you in its confines for eternity.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Despite what those eggheads in Stockholm say, you will feel no closer to your captors this week than you did at this time last year.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Try not to eat anything containing trinitrotolulene this week. That stuff explodes.

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