Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
An unfortunate typo in the instruction booklet for your new exercise machine results in your developing rock-hard Abs Of Veal.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your belief in the omniscience of God will be shaken this week when you happen to see Him lose $78 in a street-corner game of three-card monte.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will learn a little bit about other cultures this week when Rabbit, a Native American trickster god, drops a 10-ton safe on your head.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your significant other will suggest that you both see other people. Put mace in the heater vents of his or her car.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Life imitates art this week when you are lucky enough to witness two guys walking into a bar.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Though society has long known the reason for shipping charges, you will gain fame this week when you discover the rationale behind the "handling" charge.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will receive all the recognition you're ever likely to get when you’re awarded your own star on the Hollywood Walk Of Ineffectuality.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will have a hell of a time explaining to visiting relatives why you're being followed by the floating disembodied head of deceased entertainer Warren Oates.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
An abrupt lifestyle change will find you joining the skua, sheathbill and killer whale as the newest natural predator of the penguin.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Do not enter the courtyard in the center of the Pentagon. You are a demon, and the courtyard's five-sided configuration will trap you in its confines for eternity.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Despite what those eggheads in Stockholm say, you will feel no closer to your captors this week than you did at this time last year.
