Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will be dismantled and sold for scrap when the Pentagon declares the Aries Project a total failure.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The presence of Saturn and Mars in your sign indicates that some planets apparently don't care who they associate with.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Excitement looms large in Cancer this week. Unfortunately, your idea of excitement centers around mildly spicy cheese sauces.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will forever alienate your friends in the mountain-man community when you can longer hide your disdain for coonskin caps.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your decision to switch to a vegetarian diet solves all your health problems, proving that cannibalism isn't for pussies like you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
This week will find you coming to in an Omaha rest area, disoriented, hung over and unable to remember how you came to be wearing the Phillie Phanatic's blood-soaked costume.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Scorpios have long been regarded as a nuisance, but that will change when furriers discover your thick, luxurious pelts.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will lose the legal battle of your life next week, when you are unable to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you don't have to take this crap.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Any well-read person will notice several parallels between the story of Beowulf and your disastrous housewarming party.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Scientists will develop a new type of ruler that will enable people to more accurately beat you to within an inch of your life.
