Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the last 25 years was probably a mistake.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Confusion is yours this week when, upon second reading, you realize that Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead is not an erupting volcano of erotic imagery.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The inaccuracy of your last 17 horoscopes finally leads you to a inescapable conclusion: You are actually a Libra.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will travel back in time this week to kill Hitler's parents, but you wind up shooting the wrong couple and return to a world that has never known Orville Reddenbacher.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your tendency to solve problems with your fists will come in handy while learning trigonometry.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will enjoy money, fame and the respect of daytime-TV watchers everywhere for your stint as avuncular, no-nonsense Judge Virgo.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You awake from your 10-year coma to discover that former heavyweight boxer Jerry Quarry still insists he is not your mommy.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Though you have always been willing to die for the things you believe in, you never thought it would happen so soon, so violently, and over something as trivial as the tooth fairy.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will be sorely tempted this week by filet of sole braised in sauce l'orange, new potatoes almondine, and petit crepes Bruxelles.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will find yourself betrayed by science this week when you discover that, in certain cases, it contradicts the teachings of your personal Lord and Savior, L. Ron Hubbard.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your car, along with those of seven others, will be destroyed this week by a bomb cleverly concealed inside an Irishman.
