Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the last 25 years was probably a mistake.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Confusion is yours this week when, upon second reading, you realize that Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead is not an erupting volcano of erotic imagery.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The inaccuracy of your last 17 horoscopes finally leads you to a inescapable conclusion: You are actually a Libra.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You will travel back in time this week to kill Hitler's parents, but you wind up shooting the wrong couple and return to a world that has never known Orville Reddenbacher.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your tendency to solve problems with your fists will come in handy while learning trigonometry.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will enjoy money, fame and the respect of daytime-TV watchers everywhere for your stint as avuncular, no-nonsense Judge Virgo.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You awake from your 10-year coma to discover that former heavyweight boxer Jerry Quarry still insists he is not your mommy.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Though you have always been willing to die for the things you believe in, you never thought it would happen so soon, so violently, and over something as trivial as the tooth fairy.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will be sorely tempted this week by filet of sole braised in sauce l'orange, new potatoes almondine, and petit crepes Bruxelles.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will find yourself betrayed by science this week when you discover that, in certain cases, it contradicts the teachings of your personal Lord and Savior, L. Ron Hubbard.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your car, along with those of seven others, will be destroyed this week by a bomb cleverly concealed inside an Irishman.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.