Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will take a major step forward in your personal growth this week when you stop worrying about what others think of you and tell the jury what really happened to Mother.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
After years of talks, representatives of the Presley estate grudgingly agree to unauthorize your Elvis biography.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your T-shirt company will be sued into oblivion this week by a manufacturer of sex-machine solar panels.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
A mistake in your horoscope last week has resulted in your missing a chance at lifelong love, prosperity and happiness. The stars apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A group of powerful Republican lobbyists will finally win their long legal battle to have you renamed the Ronald Reagan Memorial Leo.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your doctor will break the news to you that you have the health of a 95-year-old Lebanese woman. This is good news, however, as you are a 117-year-old Lebanese woman.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will fail to secure a patent on your hydraulic little-old-lady compactor, as it closely resembles an existing AT&T design from 1987.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A demonstration involving Euclidean geometry, observed cause-and-effect relationships and Newtonian physics will disprove your assertion that "The Bible is the ultimate authority."
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will make romantic history this week when your love for your spouse dies of a massive heroin overdose.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A grammar expert informs you that you have been misusing the word "hopefully" for years. The word you should have been using is "hopelessly."
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your relatives will be forced to bury you in a piano case this week, though you are neither obese nor dead.
