Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Stick up for what you believe in this week. Write a strongly worded letter to your local newspaper protesting their slanted and one-sided coverage of murder issues.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
No one will stand in your way if you heed Taurus' words: Walk briskly and swing an axe in front of you.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
It seems cruel, but for now it’s best not to accept Buddy Hackett's tearful apology for last week’s incident.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Six fractured vertebrae, a separated shoulder, a severe concussion and 10 shattered fingers convince you that you aren’t cut out for the typist's life.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Everything may seem quiet in the sign of the lion, but take heed: The Capricorns have increased the budget for their nuclear-powered sub-orbital anti-Leo lasers.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will be incinerated in a Bangkok blast furnace when a Thai prostitute misinterprets your repeated insistence on "getting your ashes hauled."
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will receive a late-night phone call from the world’s most beautiful people asking how it feels to not be one of them.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Thor, the Norse God of Thunder, will introduce a fun new game he calls "See How Close I Can Come To The Scorpio Without Actually Hitting Him With The Lightning Bolt."
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You may be entitled to a large refund this week when the gynecologist you’ve been seeing announces that you are not pregnant but male.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Saturn in your sign is cause for concern, as Capricorn has had a restaining order against the planet for years.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
God will announce that you may be forgiven for any one sin you’ve committed, except the melon-fucking.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.