Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Stick up for what you believe in this week. Write a strongly worded letter to your local newspaper protesting their slanted and one-sided coverage of murder issues.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
No one will stand in your way if you heed Taurus' words: Walk briskly and swing an axe in front of you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It seems cruel, but for now it’s best not to accept Buddy Hackett's tearful apology for last week’s incident.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Six fractured vertebrae, a separated shoulder, a severe concussion and 10 shattered fingers convince you that you aren’t cut out for the typist's life.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Everything may seem quiet in the sign of the lion, but take heed: The Capricorns have increased the budget for their nuclear-powered sub-orbital anti-Leo lasers.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will be incinerated in a Bangkok blast furnace when a Thai prostitute misinterprets your repeated insistence on "getting your ashes hauled."
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will receive a late-night phone call from the world’s most beautiful people asking how it feels to not be one of them.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Thor, the Norse God of Thunder, will introduce a fun new game he calls "See How Close I Can Come To The Scorpio Without Actually Hitting Him With The Lightning Bolt."
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You may be entitled to a large refund this week when the gynecologist you’ve been seeing announces that you are not pregnant but male.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Saturn in your sign is cause for concern, as Capricorn has had a restaining order against the planet for years.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
God will announce that you may be forgiven for any one sin you’ve committed, except the melon-fucking.
