Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your life's accomplishments will greatly enrich the human race, but 100 years from now, you'll mostly be judged by the crappy font on your tombstone.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your popularity skyrockets next week when you're smothered in barbecue sauce and bacon and offered as a Southwest Rodeo Whopper at Burger King.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll finally get around to the important and long-delayed business of calling that toll-free number right now.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll be indicted on seven counts of outsider trading this week. It's not a crime, but the SEC just wanted to see you sweat.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The dread specter of your own mortality will loom over you all month, but you'll be so busy remodeling your kitchen that you'll hardly notice.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll once again avoid becoming a household name this week, except in the more perverted households.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You've often compared your tribulation-filled life to that of Job, but as you'll soon discover, God gave a much better speech to him.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Rough times lie ahead of you in the financial and personal arenas when you're suddenly cut from 50 Cent's entourage.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The ACLU will officially state that protected speech is all fine and good, but they're tired of jumping up every time you open your mouth.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It's time to rid yourself of the fallacious belief that kids or animals or anyone else likes you.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
No amount of money can solve your current problems, which is really odd because they're mostly hunger-, shelter- , and food-related.
