Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your life's accomplishments will greatly enrich the human race, but 100 years from now, you'll mostly be judged by the crappy font on your tombstone.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your popularity skyrockets next week when you're smothered in barbecue sauce and bacon and offered as a Southwest Rodeo Whopper at Burger King.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You'll finally get around to the important and long-delayed business of calling that toll-free number right now.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You'll be indicted on seven counts of outsider trading this week. It's not a crime, but the SEC just wanted to see you sweat.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The dread specter of your own mortality will loom over you all month, but you'll be so busy remodeling your kitchen that you'll hardly notice.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You'll once again avoid becoming a household name this week, except in the more perverted households.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You've often compared your tribulation-filled life to that of Job, but as you'll soon discover, God gave a much better speech to him.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Rough times lie ahead of you in the financial and personal arenas when you're suddenly cut from 50 Cent's entourage.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The ACLU will officially state that protected speech is all fine and good, but they're tired of jumping up every time you open your mouth.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It's time to rid yourself of the fallacious belief that kids or animals or anyone else likes you.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
No amount of money can solve your current problems, which is really odd because they're mostly hunger-, shelter- , and food-related.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will remember with bitterness the days when all you wanted were good seats at the airshow.
Past Horoscopes
October 7, 2008
Issue 44•41
Aries You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Taurus A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Gemini The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Cancer The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Leo Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Virgo It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Libra Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Scorpio You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Sagittarius You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.