Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
After using you as a test subject in an excruciating set of experiments, scientists discover that the blood vessels in a human body stretch 60,000 miles when laid end to end.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Taurus, formerly known as "The Great Bull," has been renamed "The Nice Woodchuck" because of you.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The stars have announced a recall on all '66-'79 Geminis. Please report to the nearest Gemini service center.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You begin to suspect that the Forces Of Sanders are using you for their own purposes after you eat fried chicken for the 10th night in a row.
Leo July 23 - August 22
A band of wanton youngsters will teach you the meaning of frustration when they cavort naked about your room and grind their supple skin against your full-body cast.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The mysterious men wearing dark suits and sunglasses who have been following you all week turn out to be Secret Service agents. There is no need for alarm, however, as you are actually former president Jimmy Carter.
Libra September 23 - October 23
After your third year of therapy, you finally shake the idea that constellations govern your life.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
No matter who tries to hold you back, remember that the demonic voices were very insistent about who lives and who dies.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
When the professional wrestler known as "The Big Boss Man" gives you an order, do what he says. He is, after all, The Big Boss Man.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
An attractive woman will offer to make dinner for you, but don’t get your hopes up.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Earth magick is strong in Aquarius this month. However, it is only useful for getting out those tough stains.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
There is an excellent chance that extremely little will occur in your life this week.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.