Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
This week will find you getting back to basics when brain damage sustained in a horrendous circus accident forces you to learn to walk, talk and feed yourself all over again.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your spouse of many years will leave you this week for a man with a much more expensive car bra.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Water magick is strong in Gemini this month, but be careful: That insidious fluid can still drown your ass dead.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your worldview will be turned upside down this week when you learn that a gasoline's octane rating has nothing to do with its flavor.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will strike an unholy bargain with Satan when His Infernal Majesty stops by your garage sale and refuses to pay more than 10 dollars for your perfectly serviceable old luggage.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will open the eyes of a nation and force people to confront age-old lies by publishing the hideous truth about Johnny Appleseed, America's secret shame.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will be committed to the care of mental-health professionals after claiming that the celestial motions of Jupiter are having a profound effect on your sales career.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Despite your years of dedicated community work, death by fire is still only the third-leading cause of infant mortality in your township.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Next Saturday at 3:27 p.m. would be a good time to turn around and see what's careening toward you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will finally settle into that cute little red-brick house this week, but beware: The wolves have made great strides recently in the field of huff-and-puff technology.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Despite years of worry and anxiety, you’ll have no trouble creating the sofa of your dreams.
