Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
This week will find you getting back to basics when brain damage sustained in a horrendous circus accident forces you to learn to walk, talk and feed yourself all over again.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your spouse of many years will leave you this week for a man with a much more expensive car bra.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Water magick is strong in Gemini this month, but be careful: That insidious fluid can still drown your ass dead.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your worldview will be turned upside down this week when you learn that a gasoline's octane rating has nothing to do with its flavor.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will strike an unholy bargain with Satan when His Infernal Majesty stops by your garage sale and refuses to pay more than 10 dollars for your perfectly serviceable old luggage.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will open the eyes of a nation and force people to confront age-old lies by publishing the hideous truth about Johnny Appleseed, America's secret shame.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will be committed to the care of mental-health professionals after claiming that the celestial motions of Jupiter are having a profound effect on your sales career.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Despite your years of dedicated community work, death by fire is still only the third-leading cause of infant mortality in your township.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Next Saturday at 3:27 p.m. would be a good time to turn around and see what's careening toward you.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will finally settle into that cute little red-brick house this week, but beware: The wolves have made great strides recently in the field of huff-and-puff technology.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Despite years of worry and anxiety, you’ll have no trouble creating the sofa of your dreams.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The colorful custom of hurling a daily Pisces from the top of a bridge dates back to 7th-century Finland.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.