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Past Horoscopes

March 9, 2010

Aries You will give birth to a beautiful, bouncing baby girl this week, moments after going into labor inside that giant inflatable castle.

March 2, 2010

Taurus Remember: God means something different to everyone, but only you, and those who agree with you, are right.

February 16, 2010

Gemini Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.

February 9, 2010

Cancer The doctors will soon treat you for an acute case of tuberculosis, but don't be alarmed: They're mostly just bored.

February 2, 2010

Leo The stars don't think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.

January 26, 2010

Virgo You'll find happiness at the end of the rainbow this week, though to be fair, it's the kind often found hanging outside of gay clubs.

January 19, 2010

Libra Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.

January 12, 2010

Scorpio Long, gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for that to be the case.

January 5, 2010

Sagittarius Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.

See All Horoscopes

July 22, 1998 | Issue 33•25

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

In all the uncertain and ever-changing cosmos, this is the one and only eternal and unassailable truth: You sure as hell ain't no Cary Grant.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

You will soon be forced to admit that achieving fluency in Klingon was a complete and utter waste of time.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Something strange is in the air for Gemini. Pack your nose full of pure, activated charcoal, an extremely efficient filter.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

In his upcoming tell-all book, Smokey The Bear will reveal that you are actually the only person who can prevent forest fires.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a magical substance your dealer calls "Angel Dust."

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

After identifying, classifying and thoroughly describing almost 600 species of plants, you realize that you have merely duplicated the work of Theophrastus (372-287 B.C.), the father of botany.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

You will ask the Supreme Being to show you the secret of life, but He will only rub His thumb and forefinger together while pretending not to hear you.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

You will be exiled from the academic community when you present a paper that dares to theorize that shit might not, in fact, happen.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

In a conspiratorial move designed to make you feel old and lonely, all your friends will suddenly get married and start families next week.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Love magick is strong in Capricorn this week. However, you can pretty much ignore this fact.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

The polite, well-dressed people who ring your doorbell and ask to come in and talk to you about pancakes turn out to be Jemima’s Witnesses.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

A strange and untrustworthy person will claim to be able to tell your future by looking at the night sky.

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