Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
In all the uncertain and ever-changing cosmos, this is the one and only eternal and unassailable truth: You sure as hell ain't no Cary Grant.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will soon be forced to admit that achieving fluency in Klingon was a complete and utter waste of time.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Something strange is in the air for Gemini. Pack your nose full of pure, activated charcoal, an extremely efficient filter.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
In his upcoming tell-all book, Smokey The Bear will reveal that you are actually the only person who can prevent forest fires.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a magical substance your dealer calls "Angel Dust."
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
After identifying, classifying and thoroughly describing almost 600 species of plants, you realize that you have merely duplicated the work of Theophrastus (372-287 B.C.), the father of botany.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will ask the Supreme Being to show you the secret of life, but He will only rub His thumb and forefinger together while pretending not to hear you.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be exiled from the academic community when you present a paper that dares to theorize that shit might not, in fact, happen.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
In a conspiratorial move designed to make you feel old and lonely, all your friends will suddenly get married and start families next week.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Love magick is strong in Capricorn this week. However, you can pretty much ignore this fact.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The polite, well-dressed people who ring your doorbell and ask to come in and talk to you about pancakes turn out to be Jemima’s Witnesses.
