Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
If you listen closely, you can still hear all those nurses shrieking in mortal agony. Do not worry, however, as the voices are only in your head.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your last hope of finding love is ruined when the last Great Perverted Peruvian Stagfish dies in captivity.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Due to a typographical error in your Bible, you mistakenly spend an entire Lutheran retreat praising the Lard God Almighty.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
If it is your birthday this week, avoid becoming overwhelmed with a despairing sense of your inescapable mortality by eating an enormous amount of flavorful sausage.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
For reasons known only to the stars, your next three weeks will be drab, joyless and utterly without a source of high-quality jokes and satire.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will find yourself homeless, friendless and homesick this week when your 10-year prison sentence finally ends. However, you will soon find a great way to get back "inside" for good.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will be filled with a sense of overwhelming peace and well-being shortly after eviscerating every single bastard in Boulder, CO.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will fail to carefully read the directions before using a power tool for the 795th and final time.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A long road-trip with your husband ends with him being fatally run over by a careening semi and you winning the Arkansas state lottery.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Saturn in your sign indicates that you will live a long, happy and satisfying life, but a sign on Saturn indicates that it is temporarily out of order.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will go down in history this week as the World's Largest And Most Difficult-To-Remove Bloodstain.
