Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The tragic events of this week teach you that there’s more to being in a convoy than screaming the lyrics to "Convoy" while driving your Miata.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your fear that the CIA is controlling your mind is quelled when you receive a soothing mental transmission from agency director George J. Tenet.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
There will be just one major event in your life this week, but it will probably be both embarrassing and fatal.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The stars say that very little will happen to you involving horse-drawn carts, the solution to Fermat’s last theorem, or the Swiss consulate. Perhaps the stars are playing it a little safe this week.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your suspicion that your spouse has been sexually active with other men deepens when you wake up in the middle of the night to find a dozen sated, sweaty longshoremen in bed with you both.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your date with that rich, good-looking executive will go fine until he notices that your legs are cheap, plastic imitations.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will soon encounter a philosophical message on a T-shirt or bumper sticker that will change your life.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
If it is your birthday this week, you have only been pretending to be a Scorpio. Shame on you! Shame!
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Conventional wisdom says that no one ever died of a broken heart, but there has never been anything remotely conventional about you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will die unhappy and dissatisfied after failing to discover why Oliver Twist isn't in the final third of Dickens' book of the same name.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your astrological sign indicates that primitive people once assigned anthropomorphic shapes to the stars.
