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Past Horoscopes

March 16, 2010

Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

March 9, 2010

Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.

March 2, 2010

Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.

February 16, 2010

Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

February 9, 2010

Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

February 2, 2010

Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.

January 26, 2010

Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.

January 19, 2010

Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

January 12, 2010

Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

See All Horoscopes

June 17, 1998 | Issue 33•23

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

The tragic events of this week teach you that there’s more to being in a convoy than screaming the lyrics to "Convoy" while driving your Miata.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Your fear that the CIA is controlling your mind is quelled when you receive a soothing mental transmission from agency director George J. Tenet.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

There will be just one major event in your life this week, but it will probably be both embarrassing and fatal.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

The stars say that very little will happen to you involving horse-drawn carts, the solution to Fermat’s last theorem, or the Swiss consulate. Perhaps the stars are playing it a little safe this week.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Your suspicion that your spouse has been sexually active with other men deepens when you wake up in the middle of the night to find a dozen sated, sweaty longshoremen in bed with you both.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

Your date with that rich, good-looking executive will go fine until he notices that your legs are cheap, plastic imitations.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

You will soon encounter a philosophical message on a T-shirt or bumper sticker that will change your life.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

If it is your birthday this week, you have only been pretending to be a Scorpio. Shame on you! Shame!

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

Conventional wisdom says that no one ever died of a broken heart, but there has never been anything remotely conventional about you.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

You will die unhappy and dissatisfied after failing to discover why Oliver Twist isn't in the final third of Dickens' book of the same name.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Your astrological sign indicates that primitive people once assigned anthropomorphic shapes to the stars.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Your new co-worker is secretly plotting against you. Beware—if she finds out you are actually a vampire, all is lost.

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