Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your hitting that nurse with your car will be regarded by nearly everyone as an accident, but many will strongly disapprove of your gutting her on the spot.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You finally discover a hobby you enjoy when you stumble across a group of Vietnam War re-enactors hiding out in the woods.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Another sloppy, unsatisfying night of sodomy will finally convince you that church is a bad place to meet dates.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will suffer minor injuries when, during dinner conversation about Dom DeLuise, your use of the phrase "fat, has-been sad-sack" is overheard by Rush Limbaugh, who is seated at the next table.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your "you can use a shovel for anything" theory will be proven when the woman sitting next to you on a trans-Atlantic flight suddenly goes into labor.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will discover the power of chain letters when you accidentally break one and suffer no terrible consequences whatsoever.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will receive a disturbing late-night phone call from Charlton Heston, who "just wanted to remind you" that he will soon control the entire NRA.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars indicate that now is a good time to take chances with your stock portfolio, a piece of information that is useless to winos like you.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your husband is the nicest, cutest man in the entire world, so he shouldn't have to do his own dishes.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be investigated by the Department of Labor after forcing your employees to dress like Pippi Longstocking.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
As an Aquarius, you are a fun-loving person who can be very serious when the situation calls for it. Of course, most people are like that.
