Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Don't take it personally: Someone had to be the cutoff point for who does and doesn't get on the Emergency Earth-Escape Rocket.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You know you should really stop hurling fistfuls of hamsters out the window of your speeding car, but they're so darn cute.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
After weeks of deliberation, you have yet to hear a compelling argument for not beating most of the people you've ever met to within an inch of their lives.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
It's looking like they're not going to call you the Double-Dustpan Killer until you kill someone with a pair of dustpans.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
No one can understand you without first understanding the subtle-but-crucial difference between the terms "all you can eat" and "all you care to eat."
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will finally learn the true meaning of fear this week. First of all, it's not a light minty flavoring.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
That man who just wrapped a trombone around your neck was Jim Knepper, a Mingus sideman and notorious crank.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Polaris rising in Scorpio this week is deeply troubling, as it has to be millions of light-years out of position to do so.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your bossiness and predilection for minding other people's business are important parts of being the World's Best Grandma.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A little bird tells you that someone has a crush on you, but terrible secrets imparted by the giant birds hatched from the sun render this irrelevant.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The importance of a good night's sleep will be briefly overshadowed by the importance of a good set of shovels and entrenching tools.
