Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Don't take it personally: Someone had to be the cutoff point for who does and doesn't get on the Emergency Earth-Escape Rocket.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You know you should really stop hurling fistfuls of hamsters out the window of your speeding car, but they're so darn cute.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
After weeks of deliberation, you have yet to hear a compelling argument for not beating most of the people you've ever met to within an inch of their lives.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
It's looking like they're not going to call you the Double-Dustpan Killer until you kill someone with a pair of dustpans.
Leo July 23 - August 22
No one can understand you without first understanding the subtle-but-crucial difference between the terms "all you can eat" and "all you care to eat."
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will finally learn the true meaning of fear this week. First of all, it's not a light minty flavoring.
Libra September 23 - October 23
That man who just wrapped a trombone around your neck was Jim Knepper, a Mingus sideman and notorious crank.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Polaris rising in Scorpio this week is deeply troubling, as it has to be millions of light-years out of position to do so.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your bossiness and predilection for minding other people's business are important parts of being the World's Best Grandma.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A little bird tells you that someone has a crush on you, but terrible secrets imparted by the giant birds hatched from the sun render this irrelevant.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The importance of a good night's sleep will be briefly overshadowed by the importance of a good set of shovels and entrenching tools.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You're the kind of person who considers himself open to all kinds of new experiences, as long as they involve eating buffalo wings.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.