Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Representatives of a local veteran's group will appear at your door this week and say that, although they fought to defend your rights, they would appreciate it if you would stop exercising them.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your Leatherman will come in the mail this week, but, disappointingly, it turns out to just be a plier-like multi-tool.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Everything you attempt this week will work wonderfully, with the exception of your playful experiment with autoerotic hanging.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will receive a bill in advance for several thousand dollars in long-distance calls when your local service provider becomes a psychic phone company.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Though the events of this week will be extremely painful, you will eventually achieve mythic status with your books about being skinned alive and left to die on the Bonneville Salt Flats.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will need to stock up on horse laxative, bandages, talcum powder and home pregnancy tests this week for reasons the stars would rather not discuss.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Uranus in your sign will lead to many silly and tasteless jokes being made by your stupidest friends.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will learn an important lesson about yourself this week after robbing a bank and jumping off a cliff just because all of your friends did.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
One of the happiest moments of your life will be ruined when you realize what the bricks in your new red brick house are actually made of.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
After a ferocious beating at the hands of pimply teens, you vow never to use the phrase "just a video game" again.
