Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Everything will go well for you this week until Thursday, when a starving elephant smells the peanut-butter sandwich in your stomach.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will return home early from a hard day at work to discover that your children have been cheating on you with a different set of parents.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Mars transversing the Twins indicates that the stars are very, very disappointed in you.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
This week shall be trying and fraught with peril. Take heart from a past life, in which you were a servile, sycophantic file clerk for Edward III.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
In a strange twist of fate, you will notice that your life is beginning to follow the plot of Battle Beyond The Stars, starring George Peppard as Cowboy.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The stars have discovered the cause of your ongoing string of heart attacks: Your heart has conspired with your wife to kill you and retire to France with the insurance money.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will need extra soft drinks around the house this week, as being hunted for your scalp by mutant hunter-chimps from an alternate future is thirsty work.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Cheer up: Though this week will not go as you had planned, setting a world's record for quickest death by leprosy will make you a household name.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
After careful consideration of your case, Sagittarius has decided you are not the sort of person it is looking for.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Venus in your sign indicates that, due to your extreme vanity, you probably think this horoscope is about you.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will experience bizarre "waking dreams" in which you are plodding hopelessly through a dreary life.
