Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Everything will go well for you this week until Thursday, when a starving elephant smells the peanut-butter sandwich in your stomach.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will return home early from a hard day at work to discover that your children have been cheating on you with a different set of parents.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Mars transversing the Twins indicates that the stars are very, very disappointed in you.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
This week shall be trying and fraught with peril. Take heart from a past life, in which you were a servile, sycophantic file clerk for Edward III.
Leo July 23 - August 22
In a strange twist of fate, you will notice that your life is beginning to follow the plot of Battle Beyond The Stars, starring George Peppard as Cowboy.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The stars have discovered the cause of your ongoing string of heart attacks: Your heart has conspired with your wife to kill you and retire to France with the insurance money.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will need extra soft drinks around the house this week, as being hunted for your scalp by mutant hunter-chimps from an alternate future is thirsty work.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Cheer up: Though this week will not go as you had planned, setting a world's record for quickest death by leprosy will make you a household name.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
After careful consideration of your case, Sagittarius has decided you are not the sort of person it is looking for.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Venus in your sign indicates that, due to your extreme vanity, you probably think this horoscope is about you.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will experience bizarre "waking dreams" in which you are plodding hopelessly through a dreary life.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The Fates counsel you that things could be worse. However, they are lying in order to spare your feelings.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.