Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your pride in being a self-made man will be shattered when top scientists at Texas Instruments announce that they built you out of calculator parts.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will be thanked profusely by Fox newscasters when live footage of your self-immolation wins them an Emmy.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will run afoul of the Old Testament deity Yahweh, when, after a long masturbation session in which your right hand repeatedly offends you, you fail to cut it off.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars wish to counsel you this week in matters involving the female gender. Though they do not actually know, they have often been told that a big-legged woman ain't got no soul.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Though you did not previously believe it to be possible, you will actually fall in the esteem of others this week.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your belief in the intrinsic fairness of the universe will be restored this week when your job is given to a much smarter, more ambitious, and better qualified person.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You achieve a kind of celebrity this week when, during your first summer trip to the beach, hundreds are killed while fleeing the corpselike pallor of your mountainous thighs.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
After years of fruitless worldwide searching, you are finally forced to admit that you cannot find a better beer than Special Export.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The government of Canada will honor you this week by engraving the words "Mountie Lover" on your tombstone.
