Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Though you've never really thought of yourself as the military type, you will earn fame and glory for your victories in next week's Cola Wars.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A nationwide taste test will reveal that four out of five consumers prefer your roasted haunches to the taste of new fat-free Muncharitos.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The events of next week will closely mirror all the other events in your life up to that point.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You begin to sense the world is turning against you and your kind when doctors announce that they will someday find a cure for Cancer.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The onset of summer will soon force you to answer a difficult question. Decide now whether or not it is hot enough for you.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Frankly, the stars are very disappointed in you, as they distinctly remember warning you not to get involved in the sort of foolhardy activities you will engage in next week.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
There is an undefinable "certain something" you find attractive about your new neighbor. Unfortunately, you will soon discover it to be nothing more than a large but otherwise ordinary set of breasts.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Do not believe those who tell you they can see your future. They are merely preying upon your ignorant, fearful, superstitious nature.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will be brutally murdered with axes and crosscut saws when the other lumberjacks get tired of seeing your "Big Blue Ox."
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Strange impulses you cannot explain will impel you to spend hundreds of dollars on rubber stamps.
