At the AV Club: Ted Leo covers Tears For Fears

Horoscopes

Article Tools

Past Horoscopes

March 16, 2010

Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

March 9, 2010

Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.

March 2, 2010

Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.

February 16, 2010

Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

February 9, 2010

Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

February 2, 2010

Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.

January 26, 2010

Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.

January 19, 2010

Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

January 12, 2010

Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

See All Horoscopes

July 16, 2003 | Issue 39•27

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

You will relinquish your title as president of acquisitions and finance after being forced to admit you're just the assistant office manager.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

You'll finally be able to build the home you've always dreamed of now that you have enough blankets and couch cushions.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Venus is descending in your sign this week, but you're better off not knowing exactly what that means.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

That might have been the worst birthday you've ever had, but take note: It won't be the worst of your life.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

It will be hard to take on the dual role of teacher and parent, but that's the life you'll lead as the enchanted rabbit companion to two plucky orphans.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

You're nearly at the end of the longest, most difficult spirit-journey of your life. Be prepared for a difficult and boring period of spirit-unpacking.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

You still don't understand what people tell you about getting along with others, but that's okay. You don't want to.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

You'll experience a strange mix of random violence, stultifying boredom, and financial security after becoming an English Premier League soccer star.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

Engineers will soon restore power and water to your area, so you'll have hours of hard sledgehammer work ahead of you to get it back the way you like it.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

People will come from miles around to seek your wisdom on all manner of things, which is proof that people will do anything for a good laugh.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Love may mean different things to different people, but you know that it usually means free meals for someone.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Frantic drivers will chase you around town for hours when a typo in the city charter mistakenly lists you as a free weekday parking spot.

Meet Other Onion Readers

more personals »