Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will relinquish your title as president of acquisitions and finance after being forced to admit you're just the assistant office manager.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll finally be able to build the home you've always dreamed of now that you have enough blankets and couch cushions.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Venus is descending in your sign this week, but you're better off not knowing exactly what that means.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
That might have been the worst birthday you've ever had, but take note: It won't be the worst of your life.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
It will be hard to take on the dual role of teacher and parent, but that's the life you'll lead as the enchanted rabbit companion to two plucky orphans.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You're nearly at the end of the longest, most difficult spirit-journey of your life. Be prepared for a difficult and boring period of spirit-unpacking.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You still don't understand what people tell you about getting along with others, but that's okay. You don't want to.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll experience a strange mix of random violence, stultifying boredom, and financial security after becoming an English Premier League soccer star.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Engineers will soon restore power and water to your area, so you'll have hours of hard sledgehammer work ahead of you to get it back the way you like it.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
People will come from miles around to seek your wisdom on all manner of things, which is proof that people will do anything for a good laugh.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Love may mean different things to different people, but you know that it usually means free meals for someone.
