Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will pass away next week at the age of 95, heralded as a beloved entertainer despite being in your late 20s and generally disliked at the moment.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
They'll soon put you in a secure, soundproof, knife-filled room where you can't hurt anyone but yourself.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Although you honestly believe you do a better job of it than they could, finishing other people's sentences for them is still a real dick move.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
It's true that they say all is fair in love and war, but be advised that some still consider the use of nerve gas barbaric in either circumstance.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The job market and the economy are both pretty dismal right now, but take heart: No one would hire you even if things were perfect.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
All signs point to you having a quiet, uneventful week, but the stars' gut feelings nonetheless say different.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Police are forced to concede that the blowtorch really was for making crème brûlée after finding several of the desserts among the charred and smoking corpses.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The doctors will tell you you're only in for a routine colonoscopy, but then the minor-key calliope music will begin.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
This will be a very romantic period for Sagittarius, which beats the hell out of the weepy, self-absorbed pre-Raphaelite period you've been going through.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
This is a great time to start new projects, as long as they don't involve a router, a band saw, or tungsten inert gas welding.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You've never believed that "love conquers all," but that will change when love invades the area, enslaves your subjects, and sows your fields with salt.
