Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will pass away next week at the age of 95, heralded as a beloved entertainer despite being in your late 20s and generally disliked at the moment.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
They'll soon put you in a secure, soundproof, knife-filled room where you can't hurt anyone but yourself.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Although you honestly believe you do a better job of it than they could, finishing other people's sentences for them is still a real dick move.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
It's true that they say all is fair in love and war, but be advised that some still consider the use of nerve gas barbaric in either circumstance.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The job market and the economy are both pretty dismal right now, but take heart: No one would hire you even if things were perfect.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
All signs point to you having a quiet, uneventful week, but the stars' gut feelings nonetheless say different.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Police are forced to concede that the blowtorch really was for making crème brûlée after finding several of the desserts among the charred and smoking corpses.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
The doctors will tell you you're only in for a routine colonoscopy, but then the minor-key calliope music will begin.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This will be a very romantic period for Sagittarius, which beats the hell out of the weepy, self-absorbed pre-Raphaelite period you've been going through.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
This is a great time to start new projects, as long as they don't involve a router, a band saw, or tungsten inert gas welding.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You've never believed that "love conquers all," but that will change when love invades the area, enslaves your subjects, and sows your fields with salt.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
This week will be a series of excruciatingly painful metaphorical and physical low blows for you.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.