Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Police officers are unable to determine the cause of your death until they uncover the giant syringe, human sex hormones, and disabled safety-lock on your microwave.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
After many years together, your spouse will announce she is leaving you because you are so damned fat.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Government scientists will develop a new form of euthanasia designed specifically for you.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The crazed, maniacal stalker who has tormented you for months will finally relent this week when you forget to pay him.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A wacky office mix-up ensues when you casually tell a co-worker that you want to "shoot my hot cum all over your big tits," and she takes it as a dirty sexual double-entendre.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The stars indicate that you should look forward to a week of whirlwind romance and passionate sexual trysting, those good-for-nothing celestial liars.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
After many tests, top doctors will declare the egg-sized tumor in your brain to be benign. However, they will also discover the rest of your body to be incurably malignant.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Pluto in your sign indicates that invisible demons from beyond time will devour you alive before many witnesses, prompting a groundbreaking piece of congressional legislation.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
What begins as an ordinary whitewater-rafting trip ends with four lucky Sagittarii discovering a vast gold mine. None of them are you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your habit of indulging in over-educated, pun-filled "trash talk" provokes the other members of your volleyball team to bury you alive.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your sex life goes down the tubes after you accidentally cut off your most fun parts with a hedge trimmer.
