Your Horoscopes
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
In the spring of your youth you were one who ran often to the many women of Paris, but now the good wine and the late light of the sun on the Plaza Del Toros must be enough for you.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
It is good to sit at the bar with one's feet on the bright brass rail while the old hunters lie their lies about the snow leopards of Kilimanjaro.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
There may be as many as 200 fragments of shrapnel in you, but it is as nothing compared to the bone spur of the great DiMaggio.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
As the gangrene in your leg worsens and the seaplane seems that it will never arrive, do not rob your death of nobility by selfishly clinging to Catherine's keening pity.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You shall never be as close to a friend as the friends who shared your foxhole and your cigarettes and on good days your sherry and then one day died in the war.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
In Michigan the spring is late but sudden and the quicksilver trout will hit the hook with strength enough to break your heart and you can almost forget that she did not love you, she never had.
Libra September 23 - October 23
When you feel you must cry for the love of your woman, take her to the pictures and then, without warning, seize her and kiss her by the machine for the making of the popcorn.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
There will come one last perfect day, a day when the laughter flows like wine or tears, and after this perfect day there will be nothing for you but the gritty embrace of the grave.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
As you wheel smartly down the Rue des Artistes in the gin-bright air of a new spring, you will know in blood and bone that it is a fine thing to be an ambulance driver, a fine thing.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
With your friends betrayed by a woman and your soul betrayed by greed, you will seek to bury your sword-cane in a priest’s black heart.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Then come the days of leaden sky and no breath of wind, and your native bearers sigh, "There is no weather today. Today we drink, sir."
Pisces February 19 - March 20
And if there be an end to it, let it be this, that I was more or less a man.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.