Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will go down in crime lore after sweeping through Vermont, New Hampshire and Massachusetts in a single afternoon, completing the most efficient tri-state killing spree in history.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will be admitted to the emergency room after attempting to cleanse your soul with Chore-Boy pads and abrasive cleanser.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will actually win the lottery this week. Unfortunately, it is the Czech National Lottery, and the prize is a bill for $8.13.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You experience great embarrassment this week when your friends discover that Thomas Edison, not you, patented the light bulb and the phonograph.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Low Nielsen ratings, complaints from Christian groups, and rising production costs have resulted in the cancellation of this star sign, which will be replaced by a rotation of Wayans brothers.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will achieve fame among dentists when you cleverly file your teeth in such a way that you can bite your signature into people's arms.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You begin to suspect that something is wrong when your beautiful but mysterious, foreign-born girlfriend attempts to knock you out with a pair of American thighs.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars indicate that the future is an infinite and intertwined set of probabilities in a state of quantum flux, and is, therefore, not knowable.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will never win the love and approval of your father, who, unbeknownst to you, is actually Clive Hawkins, an alcoholic furniture dealer from Tuscaloosa, AL.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will receive your last-ever kiss today. Take heart, however, as you will live another 200 years.
