Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
A difficult period in your personal life prompts an outpouring of advice from family and friends. However, you will be strangely unmotivated to "go for the gold."
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Communication in your marriage will come to a sudden end this week. This is because you and your spouse are extremely boring people who have run out of things to discuss.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The stars indicate that you should not take any advice this week, unless it’s rooted in hard, scientific fact.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Jesus Christ appears to you in a vision and explains that, while He did not die for your particular sins, He still finds them rather interesting.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The stars realize that you do the things you do to gain the attention and affection of your peers. However, that is not an acceptable reason to make so many Cub Scouts suffer so horribly.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
It's time you stopped lying to yourself: Though you have long claimed to be a jazz-loving beatnik, you are, in fact, a tribal-drumming hippie.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your zany sales-floor antics and shenanigans inspire your co-workers behind the cellular-phone counter to bestow upon you the nickname "Crazy Digital Russell."
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You finally reject Western science-worship this week and attempt to convince yourself that there is a third eye on your forehead.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You emerge from a week-long alcoholic blackout to discover that you are Meatloaf at the height of his commercial and artistic success.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will be recognized by Time magazine as the person who put the "club" back in Rotary Club.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Though the purpose of the universe's motions is to shape your destiny, nothing will happen to you this week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You have not heard from that guy Andrew in over three weeks, but neither has his parole officer.
Past Horoscopes
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Aries There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Taurus The mere mention of your name strikes fear and terror in the hearts of men, though that's mainly because it's so difficult to pronounce.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Gemini While it's often understood that racism, by nature, is borne of ignorance, your claim that the Irish control the media will still seem particularly uneducated this week.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Cancer The streets will run red with the blood of the innocent and the pure this week—so relax, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Leo The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Virgo You're about to embark on an incredible life-changing experience—one involving the collapsing of your lungs, the expansion of your heart, and the rapid evacuation of your bowels.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Libra A healthy relationship is all about compromise, or at least that's what you'll agree to in order to get your partner off your back.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Scorpio Remember: Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach just keep repeating the same tired maxim over and over again.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Sagittarius They say you have the grace of a dancer and the agility of a world-class gymnast. After that, though, it's usually just a bunch of mean-spirited laughter.