At the AV Club: Ted Leo covers Tears For Fears

Horoscopes

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Past Horoscopes

March 16, 2010

Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

March 9, 2010

Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.

March 2, 2010

Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.

February 16, 2010

Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

February 9, 2010

Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

February 2, 2010

Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.

January 26, 2010

Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.

January 19, 2010

Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

January 12, 2010

Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

See All Horoscopes

March 25, 1998 | Issue 33•11

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

A difficult period in your personal life prompts an outpouring of advice from family and friends. However, you will be strangely unmotivated to "go for the gold."

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Communication in your marriage will come to a sudden end this week. This is because you and your spouse are extremely boring people who have run out of things to discuss.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

The stars indicate that you should not take any advice this week, unless it’s rooted in hard, scientific fact.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

Jesus Christ appears to you in a vision and explains that, while He did not die for your particular sins, He still finds them rather interesting.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

The stars realize that you do the things you do to gain the attention and affection of your peers. However, that is not an acceptable reason to make so many Cub Scouts suffer so horribly.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

It's time you stopped lying to yourself: Though you have long claimed to be a jazz-loving beatnik, you are, in fact, a tribal-drumming hippie.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

Your zany sales-floor antics and shenanigans inspire your co-workers behind the cellular-phone counter to bestow upon you the nickname "Crazy Digital Russell."

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

You finally reject Western science-worship this week and attempt to convince yourself that there is a third eye on your forehead.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

You emerge from a week-long alcoholic blackout to discover that you are Meatloaf at the height of his commercial and artistic success.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

You will be recognized by Time magazine as the person who put the "club" back in Rotary Club.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Though the purpose of the universe's motions is to shape your destiny, nothing will happen to you this week.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

You have not heard from that guy Andrew in over three weeks, but neither has his parole officer.

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