Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
A difficult period in your personal life prompts an outpouring of advice from family and friends. However, you will be strangely unmotivated to "go for the gold."
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Communication in your marriage will come to a sudden end this week. This is because you and your spouse are extremely boring people who have run out of things to discuss.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The stars indicate that you should not take any advice this week, unless it’s rooted in hard, scientific fact.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Jesus Christ appears to you in a vision and explains that, while He did not die for your particular sins, He still finds them rather interesting.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars realize that you do the things you do to gain the attention and affection of your peers. However, that is not an acceptable reason to make so many Cub Scouts suffer so horribly.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
It's time you stopped lying to yourself: Though you have long claimed to be a jazz-loving beatnik, you are, in fact, a tribal-drumming hippie.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your zany sales-floor antics and shenanigans inspire your co-workers behind the cellular-phone counter to bestow upon you the nickname "Crazy Digital Russell."
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You finally reject Western science-worship this week and attempt to convince yourself that there is a third eye on your forehead.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You emerge from a week-long alcoholic blackout to discover that you are Meatloaf at the height of his commercial and artistic success.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be recognized by Time magazine as the person who put the "club" back in Rotary Club.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Though the purpose of the universe's motions is to shape your destiny, nothing will happen to you this week.
