Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your attempt to publish your account of a year-long trip down China's Yellow River will meet with strong opposition. Change your name from Irene Paulette Freely to something more dignified.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Now that Ray Nitschke has passed on, Dick Butkus will be assigned to follow you around and keep you on your toes.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your lack of purpose in life prompts you to turn to the phone book, where you find the inspiration and strength you need to go on.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your sighs of relief over the recent asteroid false alarm will be short-lived, as you have developed thick, yellow toenail fungus.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your efforts to fit in are failing, but it's not entirely your fault. Try relocating to a place where the locals tend to be more tolerant of people with giant, pulsating humps.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The same people who called you a big fat walrus will suck up to you shamelessly when you are chosen to star in the hot new CBS sitcom Mrs. Folds' Slovenly Adventures.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You finally come to terms with the brutal, unsolved 1974 murder of your little brother when you remember that you beat him to death with an ice skate.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Avoid putting too much faith in trite, vaguely worded generalizations that concern your future.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will abandon all rational thought and join a cult that worships a jealous old man with a white beard who can read your mind.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Everyone wants to earn your favor this week. This is because you are a judge on the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your goal of adopting a more open, European approach to your sexuality will be denounced by every nation in Europe except Germany.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will soon be down to your last biscuit, but it seems that no one will help you out from under the log.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.