Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You could be bound in a nutshell and count yourself a king of infinite space, were it not for the fact that you have no imagination whatsoever.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
It's still going to be muggy in the high 90s with occasional periods of wind as far as your personal forecast is concerned.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your actions this week will all be morally correct and without flaw, as long as you've correctly interpreted the Book of Numbers.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will certainly survive next week, but it won't be the kind of survival that sells a lot of inspirational books.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
More than anything, you want to mold and shape young minds. Unfortunately, most commercially available Jell-O molds are unsuitable for this purpose.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Although it's true that your spouse doesn't make you happy, keep in mind that nothing really ever does.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Please contact the service department at Scorpio Communications and explore options to restore your service.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
It may take extensive surgery to turn you into a Bond girl, but it's still a lot cheaper than hiring one of today's A-list actresses.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will have a vision of peace, transcendent love, and infinite compassion, only to find it was all a dream. Also, your pillow is gone.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
There are some things about the universe that you are simply not spiritually capable of knowing, such as its exact size, mass, and age.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your fear that "your family doesn't care about you anymore" is incorrect. The proper phrasing is "your family no longer cares about you."
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.