Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You could be bound in a nutshell and count yourself a king of infinite space, were it not for the fact that you have no imagination whatsoever.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It's still going to be muggy in the high 90s with occasional periods of wind as far as your personal forecast is concerned.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your actions this week will all be morally correct and without flaw, as long as you've correctly interpreted the Book of Numbers.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will certainly survive next week, but it won't be the kind of survival that sells a lot of inspirational books.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
More than anything, you want to mold and shape young minds. Unfortunately, most commercially available Jell-O molds are unsuitable for this purpose.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Although it's true that your spouse doesn't make you happy, keep in mind that nothing really ever does.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Please contact the service department at Scorpio Communications and explore options to restore your service.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
It may take extensive surgery to turn you into a Bond girl, but it's still a lot cheaper than hiring one of today's A-list actresses.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will have a vision of peace, transcendent love, and infinite compassion, only to find it was all a dream. Also, your pillow is gone.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
There are some things about the universe that you are simply not spiritually capable of knowing, such as its exact size, mass, and age.
