Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will soon learn that it takes more to make a man a doctor than a sharp set of steak knives and a degree from a truck-driving school.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
No one can communicate effectively without the right tools, so make sure you have a good set of bench, shoulder and block planes.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Take things day by day this week, even if you have the ability to exist outside of time.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Nobody likes a tattle-tale, but all the world loves a lover. Split the difference by tattling on your lovers.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Fire and air magicks are strong in Virgo this week, which should be all the hint you need to avoid air travel.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Though you have a hard time believing you were switched at birth, your resemblance to your alleged littermates is undeniable.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Despite the testimony of witnesses, the preponderance of compelling evidence, and the fact that it all seems to fit, no one will buy your theory on JFK's suicide.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
If you don't overcome your fears and tell your spouse how much you love him, you'll burst. Next week, you will actually burst.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be blindsided by a disaster that any decent system for predicting the future should have been able to warn you about.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Trouble looms at work when your office romance turns into an office murder mystery.
