Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will be honored but embarrassed when Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter visits you to "see if further trouble can be avoided."
Taurus April 20 - May 20
It's time to admit that you would be far better off living in a reputable rest home, despite being a healthy 28-year-old.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You'll feel a greater sense of security once you finally get used to the strain of holding that ax over your head all day long.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
There's trouble at work again this week as you continue to be undermined by your smarter, more charismatic black Secretary of State.
Leo July 23 - August 22
They think they've won, but take heart: Only you know that they haven't found all the nurses yet.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The pain of your loss will fade with time, but every now and then you'll swear you can still feel it itching.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Now that he's hit everything else, John Updike has no choice but to write about you.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
While it's true that you're a sharecropper's son, it's because you forced your father to take up sharecropping at the expense of his lucrative banking career.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Accept it: She's dead, and nothing you can do will ever bring her back. Except, of course, for the Lazarus serum--but you promised her you wouldn't...
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Though you never intended to be a role model for children, you must admit that your grindingly dull life makes you a pretty decent one.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
In spite of the praise, accolades, and awards, you can't shake the suspicion that they paid the caterer more.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Sure, life may seem pretty dark, but wonderful things are going to happen any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.