Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You are not noble in reason, infinite in faculty, like an angel in your actions, or especially moving in your form. However, you are a real piece of work.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Be reasonable. Just because last week's horoscope was a wildly inaccurate prediction of your future is no reason to give up on the Zodiac forever.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your plans to find love, fortune, and happiness utterly ignore the Second Law Of Thermodynamics.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You should have a relaxed week once you clear your calendar of all appointments except that strange one in Samara.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This week could be exceptionally soul-crushing, especially if you finally complete work on that Soul Crusher.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The stars know how this is going to sound, but trust us on this one: You are, in fact, fated to meet a tall, dark stranger.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your problems in the bedroom are finally solved when you hire trained professionals to remove the raccoons.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
For centuries, great thinkers have contemplated the purpose of life. It's best to just relax and assume they've figured it out.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The Latin inscription on the amphora you found translates to "Insanity is not a necessity to work in this Senate, but helpful nonetheless."
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The Coq au Vin will be a little astringent and the wine a bit audacious for the menu, but as last meals go, there have been worse.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You've always wanted a helper monkey, but your new harmer monkey will have to do.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars would love to influence your future, but they are powerless against your well-established patterns of behavior.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.