Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your "important work for the government" is nothing more than income-tax filing. Please release the "Russian infiltrators" from your closet.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Jupiter is in your sun sign this week, making it pretty crowded in there, what with Jupiter being the largest of the planets and all.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
People may justify your situation by saying it's for your own good, but don't buy it: Having you in jail is only good for the nurses.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
It would be easier for you to endure the loss of your legs if they weren't your best pair of artificial ones.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
God appears before you in a dream and tells you to do good works and spread His word, but don't bother: It was only a dream, for crying out loud.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
For the last time, Libra is not another name for a rum and Coke. That's a Cuba Libre.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Everyone enjoys a party, but try to control your childlike glee now that you're finally 10 years old.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
It's true that sometimes it's impossible for you to hide your love, but please try your hardest.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Cheer up: Nobody ever died of a broken heart. Unless, that is, you count suicides, depression-related anemia or heart attacks.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your years of work with underprivileged children will earn you the Guonghzu Reebok plant's "Supervisor Of The Month" award.
