Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Though you try to follow the teachings of your odd religion, you have trouble with the parable that instructs you to enjoy being hit twice in the face.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars say your broken heart will heal with time, but they aren't anywhere near as confident about that femur.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will go down in history as the brave soul who started the revolution in home theater in your neighborhood.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will face the painful realization that you're not as important as you had thought when your boss finds someone else to work the deep-greaser this Sunday.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will gradually come to realize that maybe those people didn't actually want to be freed from the group home.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Act surprised all you want, but you know damn well why hockey great Theoren Fleury is waiting on your doorstep with flowers and candy.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Some days it doesn't seem like you can do anything right. This could be because you are a fat, bumbling comic foil.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your body is going through some strange changes right now, but don't try to fight them: One way or another, that baby's got to come out.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The stars indicate that if you keep eating all those candy bars, you're going to turn into a candy bar yourself. Oh, okay, your mom actually says that.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Try not to go around preaching against eating other humans while wearing a jacket made of their skins.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Try to avoid passing judgment on others, unless you happen to be a judge. Then, of course, it's okay.
