Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will be distressed to find yourself listed under "old oil bottles" in your local sanitation department's "recyclopedia."
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
It's true that your father once said, "When you're 18, you're out of the house," but he meant months, not years.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will fall victim to a dangerous personality disorder that makes you believe that the personal lives of celebrities are interesting and important.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You are a one-of-a-kind being, unique in the Universe and the most beloved in Creation. Can Cancer have 10 bucks?
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will look like a prize jerk next week when your long-distance lover decides not to honor her end of the suicide pact.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Though investigators will have a hard time believing it, evidence at the scene seems to corroborate your claim that the entire West Virginia legislature "just darted out in front of [your] car."
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
After a promising start, your relationship with that special man has ground to a halt. Try wrapping your fists in tinfoil to give your punches more "zing."
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Don't fight the turning of the seasons: Time marches on, no matter how many leaves you glue back onto the trees.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Though this may seem like a good time to save money, you can't afford not to buy the attractive four-place Mikasa dining set Sagittarius is selling for $39.95.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Relax, gentlemen. Men's underwear commercials can't "turn you gay." Watch as many of them as your heart desires.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
An odd string of events ensures that you posthumously go down in history as The Father Of The 12-Horse-Team Massage.
