Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will be distressed to find yourself listed under "old oil bottles" in your local sanitation department's "recyclopedia."
Taurus April 20 - May 20
It's true that your father once said, "When you're 18, you're out of the house," but he meant months, not years.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will fall victim to a dangerous personality disorder that makes you believe that the personal lives of celebrities are interesting and important.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You are a one-of-a-kind being, unique in the Universe and the most beloved in Creation. Can Cancer have 10 bucks?
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will look like a prize jerk next week when your long-distance lover decides not to honor her end of the suicide pact.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Though investigators will have a hard time believing it, evidence at the scene seems to corroborate your claim that the entire West Virginia legislature "just darted out in front of [your] car."
Libra September 23 - October 23
After a promising start, your relationship with that special man has ground to a halt. Try wrapping your fists in tinfoil to give your punches more "zing."
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Don't fight the turning of the seasons: Time marches on, no matter how many leaves you glue back onto the trees.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Though this may seem like a good time to save money, you can't afford not to buy the attractive four-place Mikasa dining set Sagittarius is selling for $39.95.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Relax, gentlemen. Men's underwear commercials can't "turn you gay." Watch as many of them as your heart desires.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
An odd string of events ensures that you posthumously go down in history as The Father Of The 12-Horse-Team Massage.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will become the object of a Secret Service investigation upon coming into possession of a dangerously spicy Tex-Mex chili recipe.
Past Horoscopes
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Aries You'll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Gemini Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Cancer The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Leo You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Virgo You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Libra Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Scorpio Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Sagittarius When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.