Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Though a romantic escape may be in the cards for you, it will more likely be a German expressionist nightmare.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey's idea.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It's about time you recognized your spouse's value as a human being. Especially with human beings fetching such high prices in today's market.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Despite what some people might say, Christ did not die for your sins. He took care of yours with a mild case of hives.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
By taking the moral high road in a workplace conflict, you will arrive in moral Scotland long before your co-workers.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Both the moon and Jupiter are high in Virgo this week, which means they'll giggle a lot and eat big sandwiches.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your birthday this week means you should take time to ponder your lost youth. It isn't coming back, you know. Never, ever, ever. It's gone.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You can see why people like coconut cream pie so much. It's really quite delicious, especially with chocolate sauce.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
It's tempting to cry on a good friend's shoulder this week, but that's the easy way out. Don't settle for anything less than crying on a good friend's voluptuous buttocks.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The stars cannot be bothered with your trivial life this week. They're important astral bodies with lots to do, you know.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Aquarius refuses to tell you your future until it gets a better symbol than a guy with a jar. That symbol sucks.
