Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Try to exercise a little diplomacy this week, as you are the U.S. ambassador to Namibia.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You don't understand the saying, "as serious as a heart attack," because all the ones you've seen have been hilarious.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The stars say this will be a very good week for you creatively. That is, until your back is turned—you should hear what they say then.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Don't follow people blindly into decisions. However, blindly following them into intersections would be interesting.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You find yourself incapable of differentiating between right and wrong, making it much easier for you to watch TV.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You know darn well what's going to happen this week. You're going to clean that garage like you promised Virgo you would two weeks ago.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will see something this week that really makes you think. It's just an unusual-looking rock, but it's a start.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see a man who has no feet. Then you will run away screaming and vomiting uncontrollably.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The events of this week will teach you that people change. The events of next week will teach you that they sometimes change into evil, flesh-eating zombies.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It's a big, beautiful world out there. Don't go out there for even a second.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will use enough morphine this week to kill a team of oxen. Not that it's any of the stars' business or anything, but that's a pretty weird way to kill oxen.
