Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Though the divine order from the Archangel Michael is clear, you find it impossible to decide if it should be Hall or Oates who pays for our sins.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars say hello from a neat little roadside cafe in Montana this week. They would write more, but there isn't a lot of room on the postcard.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Mercury is rising in your sign this week. Take immediate action, or Gemini runs the risk of permanent physical and mental damage from heavy-metal poisoning.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Remember: There's always someone out there who loves you, so be careful walking home late at night.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will experience the joy of seeing a small child's face light up like a Christmas tree when you grind your cigarette into his gasoline-soaked hair.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will get some really good drugs this week. Unfortunately, it might as well be aspirin for all it does for your leukemia.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will be forced to quit your job to concentrate on being a better Lutheran.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You're charged full of energy this week, which is not surprising, as you are a charmed quark.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your love life will come to a sudden halt this week at the very same moment your biological life does.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will soon have the best day you've had in a while. Of course, that just means no rapacious walruses, but you have to start somewhere.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Despite the best efforts of your parents and the educational advantages you've enjoyed, you still have a favorite ad.
