Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Though the divine order from the Archangel Michael is clear, you find it impossible to decide if it should be Hall or Oates who pays for our sins.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The stars say hello from a neat little roadside cafe in Montana this week. They would write more, but there isn't a lot of room on the postcard.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Mercury is rising in your sign this week. Take immediate action, or Gemini runs the risk of permanent physical and mental damage from heavy-metal poisoning.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Remember: There's always someone out there who loves you, so be careful walking home late at night.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will experience the joy of seeing a small child's face light up like a Christmas tree when you grind your cigarette into his gasoline-soaked hair.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will get some really good drugs this week. Unfortunately, it might as well be aspirin for all it does for your leukemia.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will be forced to quit your job to concentrate on being a better Lutheran.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You're charged full of energy this week, which is not surprising, as you are a charmed quark.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your love life will come to a sudden halt this week at the very same moment your biological life does.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will soon have the best day you've had in a while. Of course, that just means no rapacious walruses, but you have to start somewhere.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Despite the best efforts of your parents and the educational advantages you've enjoyed, you still have a favorite ad.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
A long-lost lover will turn up unexpectedly and complicate your life. Next time, weigh down the corpse better and sink it away from the current.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.