Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You begin to feel unwelcome by those around you when your State Tourism Board starts telling prospective vacationers that you’re dead.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Taurus’ new ownership has decided that due to falling ratings, you will be replaced by John Leguizamo this fall.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The stars say you’ll be happy and successful but, in all honesty, their hearts really aren’t in it.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will be praised highly in this week’s New Yorker, but you eventually find out that there is somebody else named Norman Mailer.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The appearance of Mars heralds excitement for Leo. The Red Planet will collide with the Earth next Thursday, destroying the world.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The Klan will come to its senses next week, realize that racial intolerance and persecution are wrong, and focus its energy on lynching you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The events of this weekend will lead to your grudging, posthumous concession that those anti-drug people may not have gotten it entirely wrong.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will have the most thrilling experience of your life this week. Hint: It will involve an electric pencil sharpener and a once-dull pencil.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Don’t take any guff from those smart-aleck mathematicians and their silly “imaginary” numbers.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your coolheadedness and refusal to jump at the first sign of danger enable you to watch a neat drowning.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your financial problems disappear when you find a man who gives you cash for other people’s valuables.
