Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Congress will approve the creation of a 51st state, Assholia, for the sole purpose of naming you the state bird.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your total lack of understanding of the principles of advanced fluid dynamics results in your tragic drowning while attempting to use a drinking straw.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Bloody noses don’t usually kill people. Then again, most people’s bloody noses don’t usually become infested with weasels, like yours.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will acquire a fifth housecat this week, officially signaling your withdrawal from human society.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will fail to sell any of your home-made Eskimo pies, despite using fresher Eskimos than your competitors.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will panic while under the influence of drugs this week and become known as "The Boy Who Cried Giant Purple Man-Eating Walrus."
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
A divided nation will be brought together by its collective desire to see you finally get rid of that ridiculous beard.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will successfully lobby for political asylum in the produce department of your local Safeway.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Leslie Uggams will finally return your calls and coldly explain that she is not your "funky chocolate soul sister."
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Witnesses to your trip to the corner store will be unable to explain to police what happened after the blinding flash.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Incidentally, it is also the third-to-last day of the rest of your life.
