Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Congress will approve the creation of a 51st state, Assholia, for the sole purpose of naming you the state bird.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your total lack of understanding of the principles of advanced fluid dynamics results in your tragic drowning while attempting to use a drinking straw.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Bloody noses don’t usually kill people. Then again, most people’s bloody noses don’t usually become infested with weasels, like yours.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will acquire a fifth housecat this week, officially signaling your withdrawal from human society.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will fail to sell any of your home-made Eskimo pies, despite using fresher Eskimos than your competitors.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will panic while under the influence of drugs this week and become known as "The Boy Who Cried Giant Purple Man-Eating Walrus."
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
A divided nation will be brought together by its collective desire to see you finally get rid of that ridiculous beard.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will successfully lobby for political asylum in the produce department of your local Safeway.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Leslie Uggams will finally return your calls and coldly explain that she is not your "funky chocolate soul sister."
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Witnesses to your trip to the corner store will be unable to explain to police what happened after the blinding flash.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Incidentally, it is also the third-to-last day of the rest of your life.
