Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Congress will approve the creation of a 51st state, Assholia, for the sole purpose of naming you the state bird.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your total lack of understanding of the principles of advanced fluid dynamics results in your tragic drowning while attempting to use a drinking straw.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Bloody noses don’t usually kill people. Then again, most people’s bloody noses don’t usually become infested with weasels, like yours.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You will acquire a fifth housecat this week, officially signaling your withdrawal from human society.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will fail to sell any of your home-made Eskimo pies, despite using fresher Eskimos than your competitors.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will panic while under the influence of drugs this week and become known as "The Boy Who Cried Giant Purple Man-Eating Walrus."
Libra September 23 - October 23
A divided nation will be brought together by its collective desire to see you finally get rid of that ridiculous beard.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will successfully lobby for political asylum in the produce department of your local Safeway.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Leslie Uggams will finally return your calls and coldly explain that she is not your "funky chocolate soul sister."
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Witnesses to your trip to the corner store will be unable to explain to police what happened after the blinding flash.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Incidentally, it is also the third-to-last day of the rest of your life.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will be warmly greeted by your new peers when they welcome you into what they call "The Great Big Sextuple-Amputee Family."
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.