Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Things suddenly get awkward when your coworkers notice your resemblance to the Easter Island statues and put two and two together.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You'll be damned if you know what those guys on the Spanish-language station are saying, but they're definitely having a much better time than you are.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
It's time to acknowledge that your "trusty right-hand man" is really just a little face you drew on your thumb and forefinger.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
When the credits roll at the end of your life, the words "Directed By Henry Jaglom" will go a long way toward explaining things.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This week's events will give you cause to reconsider the wisdom of the phrase "Never give up."
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Stop telling everyone you are popular with the ladies. Only your magnificent body is popular with the ladies.
Libra September 23 - October 23
There is nothing morally wrong with anal sex, but your failure to exercise sufficient precautions has gotten you ass-pregnant.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will abandon your attempt to make the world's largest pancake after finding out how depressingly serious other people are about it.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
There's nothing wrong with waiting tables while waiting for your big break, unless you're that girl Annette at the corner diner.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You are the very picture of goodwill, honesty, and social grace. Note that use of the word "picture" also implies a certain two-dimensionality.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You have many thoughtful questions about fate, destiny, and the future. It's a shame so many concern the Red Sox.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Sometimes, there are things a friend is too nice to tell you. Luckily, you don't have any friends like that.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.