Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Things suddenly get awkward when your coworkers notice your resemblance to the Easter Island statues and put two and two together.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll be damned if you know what those guys on the Spanish-language station are saying, but they're definitely having a much better time than you are.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It's time to acknowledge that your "trusty right-hand man" is really just a little face you drew on your thumb and forefinger.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
When the credits roll at the end of your life, the words "Directed By Henry Jaglom" will go a long way toward explaining things.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
This week's events will give you cause to reconsider the wisdom of the phrase "Never give up."
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Stop telling everyone you are popular with the ladies. Only your magnificent body is popular with the ladies.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
There is nothing morally wrong with anal sex, but your failure to exercise sufficient precautions has gotten you ass-pregnant.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will abandon your attempt to make the world's largest pancake after finding out how depressingly serious other people are about it.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
There's nothing wrong with waiting tables while waiting for your big break, unless you're that girl Annette at the corner diner.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You are the very picture of goodwill, honesty, and social grace. Note that use of the word "picture" also implies a certain two-dimensionality.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You have many thoughtful questions about fate, destiny, and the future. It's a shame so many concern the Red Sox.
