Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your quest to be the world's greatest lover will fall short, but at least you'll be the world's greatest really close friend.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
There is a vast, gray blankness in your sign this week. Wait for this cloud cover to dissipate before asking your fortune.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Gemini is politely asking you to stop shouting things like, "Gemini Cricket!" and "Jumpin' Gemini!" all the time. It's not funny, it's embarrassing.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You need to work on having a healthier self-image. Try to forget that you're a stupid, chinless sniveling worm.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your decision to live a more spartan life leads you to attempt to fight off a million Persians at Thermopylae.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Earth and water magicks are strong in Virgo this week, compelling you to track mud all over the house.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The stars will grant you anything your heart desires. Now, please, put down that shotgun before someone gets hurt.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
After your greatest wish comes true, you realize belatedly that not even you can eat an entire ton of beef jerky before it starts to go bad.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your bid to seize the reins of power ends strangely. Enjoy your new job as head of the Department of Water and Power.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The wrath of the Gods will fail to descend upon you yet again this week. Perhaps stealing the secret of fire just isn't that big a deal to them anymore.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If in doubt this week, listen to your heart. That strange whooshing sound is a sure indication that your aortic valve has torn loose.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Though the rest of your life will be extremely difficult and filled with heartache, don't despair: At least it will be over soon.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.